Novosibirsk Sunrise: Breathtaking Riverwalk Views (20/1)!
Novosibirsk Sunrise: Breathtaking Riverwalk Views (20/1)!
Okay, buckle up, buttercups, because we're diving headfirst into a review that's less "polished travelogue" and more "late-night rant fueled by lukewarm coffee and a lingering memory of that one bad experience." This isn't your grandma's pristine brochure, this is the real deal. And yes, I'm going to ramble. That's the point.
(Disclaimer: I'm making up a hotel name for this review. Let's call it "The Gilded Gargoyle," because why not?)
The Gilded Gargoyle: A Messy, Honest, and Occasionally Brilliant Experience
Alright, so The Gilded Gargoyle. Where to even begin? This place… wow. It was like a gilded onion, layers of experiences, some fragrant, some… not so much. Let's break it down, shall we? I'll just blather on, honestly, that's the best way to do it.
Getting In (Accessibility, Thank Goodness for Some Things!)
Okay, first things first: Accessibility. This is HUGE for me. I was genuinely impressed. Wheelchair accessible throughout, which, honestly, is a massive win. They had elevators (thank god, because my knees at the moment are starting to feel like they are older than I am!), and the public areas were pretty navigable. The ramps? Chef's kiss. They even had a dedicated ramp for the terrace area, which, honestly, was a real pleasure. Though, the "accessible" bathroom in my room… well, let's just say the toilet was a touch too close to the wall. But hey, points for trying, eh? And yes, they were technically compliant and definitely had facilities for disabled guests.
On-Site Restaurants and Lounges/Food/Drinks – A Rollercoaster
This is where things got really interesting. The Gilded Gargoyle promises a culinary adventure, but sometimes that adventure tastes more like… well, let’s just say it wasn’t always the best.
Restaurants: Okay, they have restaurants. Plural! A good start. The problem? I’m pretty sure they share the same kitchen. There was the “International Cuisine” place that served, uh, questionable "Italian". The Pad Thai tasted like it'd been microwaved. On a plus side, they did have a vegetarian restaurant, and that was surprisingly good. Really, genuinely good. (I'd give them a solid 4 out of 5 stars for that alone!)
Bars & Lounges: The poolside bar was a saving grace. Amazing cocktails, and the view from the pool itself… (more on the pool later). Speaking of which, they also had a coffee shop that made a decent espresso that actually tasted like coffee, and not like some stale, brown liquid, which was a major win.
Breakfast: Breakfast [buffet]. I love buffets! But this one was… again. I'm getting flashbacks to the lukewarm scrambled eggs. And the sausage… don't even get me started on the sausage!. But they do offer Breakfast in room, which is great for a hangover. They had Breakfast takeaway service, too, for when you need to rush out, which is always nice. They did at least have an Asian breakfast option, which smelled like the real thing, and I was tempted but too afraid it may have tasted… yeah.
Dining and Oddities: Okay, some other bits and bobs. Happy hour – always a plus! They had bottle of water on demand (essential). Alternative meal arrangement possible, if you have dietary wishes, like I do. Plus, they had a Snack bar, a lifesaver if you are on the go! They also had Soup in restaurant, and for that, I give them a prize. Though, it's a mystery why they don't have a Salad in restaurant (or at least I did not see one).
Relaxation (or Attempts Thereof) – The Spa, the Pool, and the Questionable "Wellness"
The Pool with a View. THIS. The pool area was gorgeous. The views were spectacular, the water was pristine. Seriously gorgeous. They had poolside service and the sun deck was awesome. I spent hours there, the best part of the hotel. This is what they were going for.
Spa/Sauna: The spa… Let's just say it could use a little work. I'm not going to lie, the sauna smelt of mildew. And the steamroom felt like a damp cave. You know? I'm not the sort of person to be keen on body scrub or body wrap, but hey, they offer it.
Fitness Center/Gym: The Fitness center was… functional. You know, the stuff. Treadmills that worked, a few weights. Nothing spectacular, nothing terrible.
Massage: I've had some truly amazing massages, sadly, this wasn't one of them. However, they had a decent foot bath!
My Room – The Good, The Bad, and the Smelly
- The Good: Okay, so the Wi-Fi [free] throughout the hotel was a definite win, and it worked! They do have Wi-Fi in public areas, which is also good. They were also boasting Free Wi-Fi in all rooms! Plus, the air conditioning blasted like a champ, which in the heat, is the best. The blackout curtains did their job. They had a desk, a refrigerator, and a coffee/tea maker. Hooray for free coffee and tea! And the towels were thick and fluffy (essential). My room had a separate shower/bathtub, which wasn't the best. I also got a wake-up service!
- The Bad: Let's talk about the smell. It was a weird mix. The room was non-smoking, but someone had definitely smoked in there before (even though there's a smoking area). It was… musty. The linens could’ve been fresher. The mirror was in the weirdest spot. The scale. Seriously? I definitely didn’t want to weigh myself. The bathtub was a little bit… dingy.
- The Ugly: I’m not going to lie, the cleanliness wasn't perfect. And the thing that really put me off? The toiletries. They were in those generic little plastic bottles, which I hate.
Cleanliness and Safety – The Sanitization Symphony (Or Lack Thereof)
Okay, COVID times. This is critical.
- Good points: They had hand sanitizer everywhere. Staff trained in safety protocol. They claimed to use anti-viral cleaning products and performed Daily disinfection in common areas.
- Questionable: They had something called Rooms sanitized between stays. But I have to say, there were a few instances where, I'm not going to lie, it felt a little… rushed. The overall impression? They tried, but it wasn’t always perfect.
Services and Conveniences – The Usual, and a Couple of Surprises
- Standard Stuff: The concierge was helpful (but occasionally clueless). They had daily housekeeping. Laundry service. Air conditioning in public area. Cash withdrawal (always useful). The elevator did the job. Safety deposit boxes were there, I suppose.
- The Weird Stuff: A gift/souvenir shop (selling questionable trinkets). A shrine. A convenience store that, for some reason, closed at 6 pm. Oh, and the fact that they offered a Doctor/nurse on call, which I found a little unsettling, but I suppose it's good to have.
- The Good: They had contactless check-in/out, which was a win. Food delivery was available, which was great, as was room service [24-hour].
For the Kids (or, How to Keep the Tiny Humans Occupied)
- Family/child friendly. They claimed to be, but the only Kids facilities I saw was a small, sad play area that looked like it hadn't been touched since the 80s.
- Babysitting service: Never saw it!
Getting Around (and What to Expect)
- They had airport transfer, but it was pricey. Car park [free of charge] (HUGE plus!). Taxi service available, but expensive.
Extra Bits and Bobs – The Details That Make or Break It
- The Good: Non-smoking rooms were plentiful. The staff, for the most part, were friendly. Especially the ones in the restaurants!
- The Bad: The exterior corridor wasn’t exactly a delight. They had a smoke detector, but good luck hearing it over the air conditioning hum.
- The Annoying: The lack of essential condiments in the room. Again, the slippers I
Okay, buckle up buttercup, because this ain't no polished travel brochure. This is me, raw, unfiltered, and about to get gloriously lost in Novosibirsk. Prepare for a bumpy ride… and maybe a cry or two.
Novosibirsk: Sunrise, Smiles, and Siberian Shenanigans (Oh God, It’s Cold)
Day 1: Arrival and Existential Dread (aka: The Aeroflot Experience)
- 7:00 AM (Moscow Time): Wake up in a cramped, overpriced Airbnb in… well, let’s just say it’s near the airport. The "luxury" part was highly debatable, featuring a toilet that sounded like a dying walrus and a "kitchenette" that could barely hold a coffee maker. Already questioning all my life choices. Packing was done at lightning speed.
- 9:00 AM: Taxi to the airport. The driver, bless his soul, was blasting some seriously upbeat polka music, which oddly helped with the pre-flight anxiety.
- 11:00 AM: Check in. Aeroflot. Need I say more? The line snaked around like a particularly grumpy snake. I swear, I saw people aging in real-time. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, I was through.
- 1:00 PM: Flight. The plane was… let's call it "vintage." The entertainment system was from the Stone Age. But hey, at least the food was edible. Barely. Got stuck next to a guy who kept loudly chewing gum and reading a book about the history of… something really, really boring. I almost cracked and started sobbing.
- 4:00 PM Novosibirsk Time: Landed! Freedom! Or maybe not. The Siberian air hit me like a brick of ice. My breath crystallized in front of my face. "Shi-kar-niy Vid!" I thought, translating it in my mind: "Awesome view!"
- 5:00 PM: Taxi to the actual Airbnb. This one was… better. Still not the Ritz, but the bed looked inviting. The view, from the window? Meh. Average. But I am sure the next days will be super good.
- 6:00 PM: Attempted to walk to the naberezhnaya (embankment). Oh boy. The wind. The cold. I lasted about 10 minutes before retreating to a nearby cafe, desperately in need of warmth and a shot of espresso.
- 7:00 PM: Found a small cafe… That's where the magic happened. A grumpy babushka behind the counter who looked like she'd seen a thousand winters. Ordered a coffee. The espresso, in a tiny glass, was an absolute revelation. Strong, dark, and the perfect antidote to the Siberian chill.
- 8:00 PM: Back to the Airbnb. Staring at the ceiling, contemplating the vastness of Russia and the questionable wisdom of my life choices. Maybe a little cry.
Day 2: Sunrise (Attempt #2) and the Embankment Walk of Doom
- 6:00 AM: Woke up before sunrise, determined to witness a sunrise.
- 7:00 AM: Outside. And… it was even colder. Bundled in approximately seven layers of clothing. The wind almost knocked me sideways. Worth it? No. The sunrise was… underwhelming. Like someone dimmed the lights, not a fiery spectacle. Still, it was New Year time.
- 8:00 AM: The naberezhnaya walk. I wasn't going to turn back. This time, I was determined. It was spectacular! The wind whipped around me, but I kept going. The naberezhnaya was quiet, almost eerily so. The river was frozen solid, looking like a giant, glittering mirror. I imagined it in summer, busy and alive, and felt a pang of loneliness. I was alone. But hey…that's me.
- 9:00 AM Breakfast. Coffee and bread. I really needed this.
- 10:00 AM: Back to the hotel to warm up. I think.
- 11:00 AM: Considering finding a good restaurant for lunch. I am hungry.
- 12:00PM: I'll go.
Day 3: To be Decided. Probably more crying.
- TBD: Probably try to leave this terrible country.
My Thoughts:
- Food: The food scene in Novosibirsk is… interesting. I've had some amazing coffee, and some… less amazing meals. The babushka in the cafe is my spirit animal.
- People: The people are… stoic. But the few interactions I've had have been unexpectedly warm. I felt a smile.
- Overall: This trip is a rollercoaster. I'm cold, I'm lonely, I'm broke. But there's also something about the raw beauty of this place that's starting to get under my skin. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not the worst person ever to live here.
Post Script (because I'm a mess like that):
If anyone's reading this, please, for the love of all that is holy, send chocolate. Okay, maybe wine. Or better yet, a friend. I miss people. Also, the cold is really starting to get to me. I may or may not have considered buying a fur hat. Don't judge me. And to the babushka in the cafe, thanks for the espresso. You're a lifesaver. And please, God, let me survive the rest of this trip.
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So, what *is* this thing anyway? Like, explain it to me like I’m five… but also, like, not a complete idiot.
Why are you even doing this? Is this some kind of… therapy?
Okay, okay, I'm vaguely interested. But what are the *actual* topics covered? Like, give me some hints, at least!
Is this... accurate? Like, can I trust anything you say?
What if I disagree with something you say? Can I, you know, *say* something?
Okay, fine. But what's the overall *vibe* here? Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?
What if I accidentally spill coffee on my screen while reading this? Am I liable for damages?
Why does it sometimes sound like you're talking to yourself?
Are you going to update this regularly? Or is this a one-and-done deal?
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